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ska_nerdette
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Name: Avalon
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Bethlehem
Birthday: 7/19/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: singing, reading, going to shows, helping out local bands (any band need a merch girl or street team rep lemme know), working, all things coffee, watching movies, learning new things, meeting new people, listening to new music, etc. etc. etc.
Expertise: I don't know if I have any expertise other than making an ass out of myself on a regular basis....but some say I'm decent at writing and singing
Occupation: unemployed
Industry: unemployment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  SKa NeRDeTTe
Member Since:
10/7/2004
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| I need a job.
I need to stop depending on my dad and others for a way of making money.
People are not dependable.
I need to be a big girl.
I need to be happy.
I need to stop pretending that someday he's gonna even WANT to make me happy.
People are not dependable.
I need to stop forcing him to want to make me happy.
I need to stop forcing this.
Why can't love just be enough?
Is this even love?
Can love exist when one person obviously can't stand anything about the other person?
Does love even exist?
Love is fake.
FUCK love.
Why can't he name one thing he likes about me?
Why can't he decide what we do on a date?
Why can't he take me out on a date without me forcing him?
Why can't I go through one fucking day without feeling like this?
Why won't this work?
Why won't I work?
Why can't I find work?
Why doesn't he love me?
Which mistake was it that made it all go away?
seriously...can't...deal...anymore.
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| why did I want any of this?
why am I putting myself through this?
why do I care?
am I going crazy?
have I always been crazy?
am I bipolar?
will I ever be happy?
was I ever happy?
what's happy? does it exist?
should I just OD and call it a life?
will this ever get better?
are these voices or just my thoughts?
is this worth it?
is he worth it?
am I worth it?
am I the problem? silly me of course I am.
if this is it I don't want anymore cuz I really can't take this anymore.
I feel 14 again.
I hate this...more than I can ever put into words.
I think I'm gonna puke.
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I'm going crazy.
I have no job.
I start school in less than a week and I have honestly no idea if I'm going to be able to do this.
My boyfriend is amazing one minute and then emotionless and shitty the next.
I've been sitting in this house for days...the only escape I've gotten are the few trips to WaWa or Giant or something.
Tony never wants to do anything outside of the house unless I DRAG him to do it, or unless Jake or someone calls him and then I'm just a tag along. There is still no romance. No surprises. No love...
I have no friends. At some point in the near future I'm going to tell Brett to screw off. I'm sick of watching him sink deeper into his pill addiction and watching him and Dan use people to get pills. And I'm sick of his standard to treat people by...it's bull. And other than Brett...I don't really have anyone else that's MY friend. Ferrit and I will never be friends like that again...Danielle and Steph might as well not exist cuz I never see them and when I do it's just weird...and anyone else that I spend time with I don't see enough to really feel like I have friends that are there.
And I'm so sick of sitting in this fucking house thinking about this bullshit while my fucking boyfriend is sititng downstairs watching TV and ignoring me like every other fucking day.
I honestly can't take this shit anymore.
I want out...NOW.
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| Honestly...I don't know what more I can do.
The more I give the less I receive, I mean, not fighting is cool and all...but I'm sick of struggling to keep my thoughts in my mouth if I'm still not getting any romance, any effort, any anything. I'm sick of giving and giving and getting less and less.
He doesn't ask me to get him drinks or help him out...but I do it. I guess I have a lot of selfish reasoning behind doing shit...I really want that sweet boyfriend that I thought I signed up for two years ago. But I also do it because I care about him and if the roles were reversed I would want the same thing.
I have all of those stupid outfits I bought to wear for him that I never wear because he's never into me...
I have been waiting MONTHS for my Vday gift and I'm finally on the road to accepting that I'm never getting a fucking thing.
Why the fuck do I try? Why the fuck am I still here?
Sometimes I just want to sell everything I have and just vamoose.
I'm just really done...with everything...
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| Just to be up front about this right now...I'm very drunk. Tony was wonderful enough to get a bottle of private stock captain for us to drink because well...when you lose your job...the only thing to do (after you file for unemployment and apply for a lot of jobs you are qualified for but some big CEO that just lost everything he had in the economy is also applying for that job so basically you're fucked) is drink.
So in case you didn't catch that...I lost my job today. I mean...as a whole karma thing it's not complete bull shit. I mean I did get away with a lot of shit at that job (not like stealing or anything...just...me stuff lol), but it's still bull. They told me they had a meeting and decided that there wasn't enough work for me to be on the payroll. I know for a fact that that is bull because there is definitely enough work right now with all the spring cleaning and closing files and organizing and other shit. But I think Ron realized that if he just forced the limited staff he has now to do my job he could save money by cutting me. There were better ways they could have dealt with this but instead they had a meeting when I had to take a PTO day (even though I did spend an hour of that day catching up on scanning) because my wisdom tooth coming in is so bad that I had a fever all night and couldn't sleep and I was in a lot of pain and very ill when I woke up this morning. And Jim calls me up and is just like...we have to let you go we don't need you. So now I'm jobless...all the bills are in my name...I was just about to be able to afford new clothes, a laptop and an Ipod because some POS stole mine...and the economy is so shitty that getting a new decent job is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Hopefully unemployment and NCC's laid off program goes through for me.
My life is just a shit storm right now. I mean....even with Tony...I'm not happy like I want to be. I just wish I could take control of everything for 5 minutes and just put everything in the right place...things have gotten so fucked up from where I thought I would be 5 years before today.
Honestly...FUCK.
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